Getting Weekends Under Control

Confessions of a Diet Coach

I use the skills in the Beck Diet Program for myself as well. After I graduated college I lost weight and more or less kept it off in the ensuing 12 years. On January 30th of this year, I had my daughter, Diana, and things changed. You might think that since this is what I do for a living I’d have an easy time returning to my healthy eating habits – and that’s what I thought, too.  But, boy was I wrong! 

In Session with Debbie: Off-Track Mentality

This week, I had a session with my client, Jane, who last week returned home from a vacation. Before she left on vacation, Jane was feeling very good about her eating, and while she was on vacation, she felt she did really well (and, in fact, didn’t gain any weight). However, in the six days between her return and our session, Jane hasn’t been feeling on track.  Jane and I discussed what has been going on since she got back, and Jane told me that once she arrived home, lots of things seemed to hit her all at once – she had a big work project to get done, her elderly mother was having problems with her nursing home, and there was a leak in Jane’s bathroom.  Jane said all of these things combined made her feel like she just couldn’t deal with anything else, and that being on track with her eating felt too difficult.

Jane was clearly having many thoughts typical of someone who is off-track, such as, “I can’t do this,” “This is too hard,” and “I can’t handle it.”  I discussed with Jane that these thoughts were not a true reflection of reality; this was her off-track mentality talking.  Even though she was thinking it was too hard, it didn’t mean it actually was too hard. I pointed out to Jane (who is herself a therapist) that this is similar to someone who is experiencing depression. We often say that depression lies. Depression tries to convince someone that she has always been depressed, that she’ll always be depressed, that she’s weak and that she’s not worth anything. But that, too, is not a true reflection of reality. That’s the depression talking.

Jane felt enlivened by the idea that her thinking about not being able to handle her eating was not necessarily accurate and was just her off-track mentality lying to her.  When she was able to take a step back from these thoughts and really evaluate them, Jane, too, was able to see that they weren’t true. She was able to remember other times when her life felt really stressful but she maintained control. She was also able to remember that, when she’s on track, on a day-to-day basis it really doesn’t feel overly hard because she has positive momentum built up.  Jane and I discussed that while it is true that getting back on track can be hard, it’s not true that staying on track is too hard to manage.  By the time she left session, Jane told me that she felt much stronger and willing to do what she needed to do to get back on track. She knew she could do it, and she knew that once she did, it would feel so much easier again.

In Session with Debbie: Getting Through a Hard Time

My dieter, Diane, is going through a hard time. In session she told me that, over the past week, it has been much harder for her to get herself to do what she needs to do, and she hasn’t been as focused on skills like eating everything sitting down, slowly, and mindfully.  I told Diane what I tell every dieter going through a hard time: hard times are normal, they happen to everyone, but they always pass and things will get easier again.

In order to help this hard time go away more quickly, Diane and I first discussed how she could get herself to be more focused on her skills.  Diane said that part of the reason she was having trouble getting herself to eat sitting down is because she was having sabotaging thoughts like, “It’s just some grapes, so it’s really okay to eat them while I’m walking to my car.”  I reminded Diane what she used to remember very clearly – that it’s not about the calories, it’s about the habit.

“Every time you eat something standing up,” I told her, “whether it has 20 calories or 2,000 calories, you’re still reinforcing the habit of giving in and making it more likely you’ll give in the next time, too.”  Diane and I discussed that not only was eating sitting down every single time important to reinforce the habit of sitting down, but it was also important because every time she ate standing up, she reinforced the more general habit of giving in and sent herself the message, “It’s okay to not do what I say I’m going to do.”  Because Diane was going through a hard time, it was particularly important for her to focus on small, as well as big habits, because once she allowed leniency in one area, it would quickly extend to other areas, making it much harder for her to do what she needs to do.

Diane told me that she had also been having sabotaging thoughts about not wanting to follow the “rules” and feeling rebellious.  “I don’t know,” she said, “I just don’t feel like following the rules lately. I guess I want more freedom.”   To help with this, I said to Diane, “If you think about it, we’ve never used the word ‘rules’ in session, and part of why you’re struggling with this right now may be because you’re using that word with yourself.  I wonder if, when you say that you don’t feel like following the rules, it brings back memories of being a kid and having rules imposed on you by sources of authority – and usually those rules were things you didn’t want to do and weren’t happy about.  Right now, it’s completely different. No one is imposing these diet rules on you. Instead, these are thing you’re doing for yourself in the service of reaching really, really important goals.”  Diane agreed that it would be helpful for her to remind herself that these are not like the rules she had to follow as a child, and that if she didn’t practice good eating habits, the only person she’d be rebelling against is herself.

Next, Diane and I discussed her wanting ‘freedom.’  “Let’s talk about you feeling a lack of freedom,” I said to her. “You’ve already lost 30 pounds. Let’s think back to what your life was like 30 pounds heavier.  How much freedom did lack when you had to carry around 30 extra pounds? How much freedom did you have when you had to stop midway up a flight of stairs to catch your breath, or when you couldn’t easily take the laundry down to the basement? How much freedom did you have when you felt at the mercy of your hunger and cravings, and when you spent so much time thinking about needing  to make changes but felt helpless to do so? How much freedom did you feel when you went to your closet to find something to wear and worried about whether or not something would fit?”

Diane and I discussed the fact that, while she now doesn’t have the freedom of eating everything she wants whenever she wants it, she does have the even greater freedom that comes from not being at the mercy of her hunger and cravings, from knowing that she can wear anything in her closet, from not worrying that people will judge her based on what she eats, and from going into a party or event and not being concerned about how she’ll be able to stay on track.

Diane told me that this was all very helpful, but the last thing that was still on her mind was the persistent question she had lately about whether or not it was really worth it to her keep working on healthy eating.  I asked Diane if she wanted to return to her old weight and gain back 30 pounds (or more) and she told me that she definitively did not.  “Therefore,” I said to her, “we know that it’s worth it, if for no other reason than you not wanting to go back to the way things were.”  I also discussed with Diane that when she is not going through a hard time and when she is consistently doing well and on track, she doesn’t struggle with this question of whether or not it’s worth it, because she just knows that it is.  “Because of this,” I said to her, “It’s not even worth engaging in the mental struggle of questioning whether or not it’s worth it. We know that it is, and we know that once the hard time passes, you won’t doubt this anymore.  So whenever you have the thought, ‘is it worth it?’ just strongly remind yourself that it is and move on.”

In Session with Debbie: Getting Back on Track

I recently had a session with my client, Allison, with whom I’ve been working for a few months.  In session, Allison told me about an experience she had over the weekend that she wasn’t feeling very happy about.  Allison explained that one of her close friends was moving out of state and so over the weekend she had a goodbye party. At the party, there were drinks and passed appetizers.  Allison found herself taking appetizer after appetizer and eating them while talking with her friends. Midway through the party, Allison realized that she was overeating and that she had lost track of how much she had already had.  Allison told me that she went to the bathroom and read her Advantages List and her Response Cards, both of which she keeps on her phone.   After taking a few moments to fortify her resolve and refocus, Allison went back to the party and didn’t eat another bite.

When Allison explained this to me she, she expressed disappointment over getting off track during the party. I, on the other hand, had a different view of the situation.  Even though Allison had gotten off track during the party, she did something that can be extremely difficult to do: she got back on track in the middle of the party.  She didn’t say to herself, “Well, I’ve already blown it for the party, I might as well keep eating whatever I want.”  She also then didn’t go on to say to herself, “Well I’ve blown it for the day so I might as well keep eating whatever I want and get back on track tomorrow.”  No! The moment Allison realized she had gotten off track, she immediately turned herself around and didn’t wait for the end of the party/the day/the week/the month to get back on track.  I pointed out to Allison how significant this was because she has now proven to herself that whenever she gets off tack, she never has to wait even one moment longer to get back on track.

I reminded Allison that the most successful dieters and maintainers are not those who never make mistakes; rather they are those who make mistakes but get immediately back on track.  Allison and I discussed the fact that she will continue to make mistakes for the rest of her life, but as long as she recovers from them immediately (as she did at the party), they will remain very minor and won’t negatively impact her weight. 

Allison and I also took a few moments to assess the situation and figure out what had led her to get off track in the first place. Allison realized that the major problem was that she hadn’t gone into the party with a strong plan. She went in thinking she would have “just a few” bites to eat, but had nothing specific in mind. Allison also realized after the fact that she overate partly because she didn’t have a plan, partly because she was distracted talking to her friends, and partly because she was feeling upset and emotional about her friend leaving town.  In order to better prepare herself for a similar situation in the future, Allison decided that she would ahead of time formulate a strong plan and make the effort to deliberately eat everything slowly and mindfully. And, if she knew that she might be going into a potentially emotional situation, like a good-bye party, Allison decided that she would read Response Cards ahead of time that specifically reminded her that eating for emotional reasons  ultimately always has the opposite of the intended effect, meaning it  makes her feel worse, not better. 


In Session with Debbie: Slipping

This week I had a session with my dieter, Rachel, whom I previously hadn’t seen in about eight months because she no longer needed weekly sessions.  Rachel got in touch with me because she noticed that her weight had gone up a few pounds and so we agreed that we would have a session or two to help her get completely back on track. 

In session, the first thing I did was give Rachel lots of credit because she was able to recognize that she was slipping in places (which was causing her to gain weight) and she faced the problem head-on, instead of waiting a few weeks or months or more (which could easily have turned a 5 pound weight gain into a 15 pound or more weight gain). 

Rachel and I then discussed what things she had led slide lately and what old habits had been slowly creeping back.  Here are the areas that Rachel identified as needing work:

1.  Eating standing up.  Instead of really being aware of everything that she was eating and making it a priority to eat sitting down, Rachel realized that she had lapsed back into eating while she was cooking, while she was clearing the dishes, and while she was making her kids’ lunches. While it wasn’t a whole lot of extra food, it certainly did start to add up at the end of the day/week.    

2. Snacking with her kids.  Before we began working together, Rachel would always snack with her kids and eat whatever they were having, without really thinking about it. One of the changes we had instituted was that Rachel had specific snack times during the day when she would have healthy snacks, not the crackers and snacky foods her kids ate.  Rachel realized that she had slowly started getting away from deliberate snack times and had again started to eat whatever and whenever her kids did.  

3. Eating whenever she felt hungry or just wanted to eat.  Another change that Rachel and I had worked on was helping her overcome her fear of hunger and eat at specific times, to ensure that she didn’t overeat during the day (which was a risk because she worked from home).  Rachel told me that she had started to do things like go into the kitchen whenever she felt like eating and having something, instead of waiting until her next meal or snack.

4. Keeping serving bowls on the table at dinner.  Rachel had also decided a while ago that it was best to not keep big serving dishes on the table during meals because the extra food would tempt her and she would often end up having seconds, even though she didn’t need them.  Removing the serving bowls enabled Rachel to just concentrate on what was on her plate and not constantly fight against the temptation to have more.  Rachel realized that over the past few months, serving dishes had reappeared on the dinner table, which meant that Rachel sometimes took and ate more food than she needed. 

Rachel and I then discussed exactly how she would get herself to correct these old habits and fortify her new, helpful habits.  We also reviewed Rachel’s Advantages List and all of the wonderful benefits she has already experienced from losing weight, so that Rachel would remember exactly why it was worth it to her to get herself back in line and how much better she would feel as a result of doing so.

Keep Your Weight Loss Resolutions

Have you made a resolution to eat more healthfully and/or lose weight this year? Have you started to lose motivation on that resolution? Many, many dieters make New Year’s resolutions to lose weight and keep it off. And very likely, many of these dieters have made this same resolution in previous years and ultimately haven’t been successful.  One of the biggest stumbling blocks that dieters face is what happens once they get off track. One of the most common sabotaging thoughts that we hear from dieters is, “I’ve made a mistake. I’ve really blown it for the day so I might as well keep eating whatever I want and get back on track tomorrow.”  Of course the danger with this is that tomorrow may never come, or it may end up being next week, month, or even year.  And if getting back on track takes that long, likely by the time the dieter has been able to do so, she’s already gained back any weight she was able to lose before she got off track.

We always remind dieters that the most successful dieters and maintainers are not those who never make mistakes (because we’re all human and we all make mistakes). Rather, they are those who make mistakes and immediately get right back on track so the mistake is very minor.  In order for dieters to be successful, and in order for this year to finally be the year they follow through with their weight loss resolutions, dieters need to learn to recover right away from mistakes. Otherwise, one mistake will continue to be their undoing, as opposed to a very normal and minor part of their day.

Here’s one technique we use: We first remind dieters that in almost no other area of life do we think that making one mistake is a valid reason to continue making mistakes.  Dieters tend to believe the sabotaging thought that, “since I’ve made one dieting mistake, I’ve blown it for the day and I might as well keep making mistakes and get back on track tomorrow.”  We give them the following analogies: If you were walking down a flight of stairs and stumbled down a few, would you think, “Well, I’ve really blown it now!” and then throw yourself down the rest? No, you’d get up right where you were and walk down the rest. If you were washing your fine china and dropped a plate, would you think, “I’ve really blown it now!” and throw the rest of your plates on the floor? No, you’d continue washing and treat the rest of your dishes more carefully.  If you were driving on the highway and missed your exit, would you think, “Well, that’s it, it’s over, I’ve blown it!” and continue to drive five more hours in the wrong direction? No, you’d get off at the very next exit and turn yourself around.  We help dieters see that once they make one eating mistake, continuing to make more is like throwing yourself down the rest of the steps, smashing the rest of your plates, and driving further in the wrong direction.  It makes no sense!

We also remind dieters that, if they’re off track, any point along the way they get themselves back on track puts them in a better position. It’s not as if your body stops adding up calories for the day and once you take in certain amount of extra calories, you might as well keep taking in more because your body won’t process them.  Of course, that’s not how it works. Your body will continue to process every additional bite that you take, so getting back on track after 500 extra calories is much better than getting back on track after 800 calories, 1,000 calories, 2,000 calories or more. 

Additionally, we teach dieters to, once they’ve made a mistake, immediately get problem-solving oriented and not beat themselves up. If a dieter makes a mistake and says to himself, “This is so terrible! I’m such a weak person, I can’t believe I let this happened,” the only thing it will do is demoralize him further and make it harder for him to get back on track.  We help dieters view every mistake as an important learning experience and remind them that we learn just as much from challenges as we do from successes. When dieters make mistakes, we teach them to ask themselves three important questions: What happened?  What were the sabotaging thoughts I had that I wasn’t able to respond to? What can I do differently the next time? In this way, dieters are actually able to learn from mistakes and decrease the likelihood they’ll make the same ones again.

Once dieters are able to accept that mistakes are a part of life and learn to recover from them right away, they’re able to lose weight and keep it off because they don’t constantly undo all their hard work.

The Year In Review

Over the past year on the Beck Diet Solution Blog, we’ve written about many topics dealing with everything related to dieting/healthy eating, losing weight, and keeping weight off.  In case you missed any of them, or if you’re dealing with some issue in particular and want a quick reference of articles to read on that topic, we’ve broken down some of the posts we’ve written from the past year into separate categories.

In Session with Deborah: Do Cravings Really Go Away?
Ask the Diet Program Coordinator: Sugar Cravings
A Peek Inside a Diet Session: Cravings

Getting Back on Track
In Session with Deborah: Green Days
Ask the Diet Program Coordinator: Getting Back on Track Today
Ask the Diet Program Coordinator: Getting Back on Track

Dealing with treats
Ask the Diet Program Coordinator: Office Treats
In Session with Deborah: I Deserve a Treat
In Session with Deborah: Tempting Treats

Response Cards
In Session with Deborah: Reviewing Response Cards
How to Write Response Cards

Getting through Hard Times
5 Strategies to Get Through Hard Times
Ask the Diet Program Coordinator

Eating Out
In Session with Deborah: The French Fry Plan
In Session with Deborah: The Hangover Effect

In Session with Deborah: Regaining Focus
Ask the Diet Program Coordinator: Staying Motivated

Making a plan
Components of a Thanksgiving Plan
In Session with Deborah: Making a Food Plan
In Session with Deborah: Birthday Plan

Going on Vacation
In Session with Deborah: Vacation Goals
A Peek Inside a Diet Session: Going on Vacation

If you have any questions or topics you’d like to see covered on our blog, please email us:  Stay tuned for more in 2013!

In Session with Deborah: Green Days

Two weeks ago I had a session with my dieter, Jennifer, who has devised for herself a rating system to catalog her eating days. Good eating days are green, okay eating days are yellow, and days when she gets off track are red.  At the moment Jennifer is going through a difficult dieting time and is struggling to get herself consistently back on track, and she has been having a number of yellow and yellow/red eating days.   Just a few weeks ago, and for many weeks before that, Jennifer had been doing very well and had been consistently having green days (which were still interspersed with the occasional yellow day).  Jennifer told me that she really wanted to get back to where she was before and again have consistent and consecutive green eating days, but she feels like it’s too hard and right now she can’t imagine being able to have so many perfect eating days in a row. 

The first thing I did was remind Jennifer of something very important: Just because she previously had green day after green day, doesn’t mean that all of her eating days were perfect. I reminded Jennifer of mistakes that she had made on some of those days, like giving in to a craving at her son’s school, eating a second helping at dinner, and eating standing up while she was putting away leftovers.  However, none of these mistakes meant she didn’t end up having a great day because she was able to immediately recover from them.  Jennifer and I then discussed the fact that green days don’t equal flawless days; instead, they are days in which when Jennifer made mistakes, she immediately got back on track and didn’t lose her sense of control, so the mistakes turned out to be very minor (and didn’t lead to more and more mistakes). 

Since Jennifer has been going through a harder time recently and kept finding that one mistake would snowball into more, she had started to castrophize mistakes and view them as something she would need to avoid altogether in order to return to having consistently green days.  Jennifer lost sight of the fact that just a few weeks ago, mistakes were a part of her daily life and her daily green days.  It was critical for Jennifer to remember this because it helped make the prospect of having green days again not seem so daunting.  In response to this conversation, Jennifer made the following Response Card:


Jennifer and I then discussed some specific strategies she could use to get through this hard time and make it pass more quickly.  Here are some of the things we did:

1. We took a look at Jennifer’s Advantages List and revitalized it so it felt fresh and resonant to her.  Since she’s going through a hard time, it’s especially important for Jennifer to read her list so that she can remember exactly why it’s worth it to her to keep going.

2. We did a visualization exercise in which Jennifer visualized exactly what a day was like a few weeks ago when she was doing really well.  We discussed how good she felt about being in control, the fact that, on the whole, it wasn’t that hard for her to stay on track, and what she was doing differently that she could start implementing again (like making her kids’ lunches the night before so that she had easier mornings, doing a weekly shopping on Sunday, planning meals for the whole week, not just day-by-day, etc.).

3. We decided that for the next week, Jennifer would spend most of her energy working on the basics of dieting, like reading her Advantages List, reading her Response Cards, eating everything sitting down, slowly, and mindfully, and giving herself credit.  In addition to the basics, Jennifer decided that the one other thing that would be extremely helpful for her to continue working on is making meal plans for her family and sticking to them.  We decided that Jennifer would focus on just these things for a week (or until she felt more in control), and after that we would discuss adding back in other skills.  This way Jennifer had very specific things to concentrate on, knew exactly what was expected of her, and also had evidence from past weeks that she is capable of doing all these things. 

When I saw Jennifer during our next session, she reported that she had just had three green days in a row, and was starting to build back up her momentum. Jennifer told me that what was most helpful for her was remembering that green days don’t have to be perfect days and that she can be totally on track while still making mistakes. Jennifer said that once she took the pressure of being perfect off of herself, she was once again able to ger herself to do what she needed to do because she didn’t live in fear of making a mistake.

Between Sessions with Deborah: Language

Earlier this week I received an e-mail from my dieter, Rachel.  In this email, Rachel described how she got off track during the day because she had gone to a party that afternoon and was highly tempted by the desserts they had.  Despite initially planning to have no desserts, Rachel gave in to temptation, telling herself that, “Just this one time won’t matter.”  However, Rachel quickly figured out that that time really did matter because it caused her to feel very guilty about her eating and lose confidence, which then led her to continue overeating for the rest of the day.  In her email to me, Rachel said that she very much wanted to get back on track but she felt like she was in a “deep rut.”  Here is part of the email I sent back to Rachel:

As we’ve discussed before, what language we use with ourselves is really important. When I first read your e-mail, my initial thought was, “What?! Rachel’s only been off track for one afternoon/evening, which is in NO WAY a deep rut!  A deep rut is maybe a week or a month off track.”  As we know, you have the tendency to be all-or-nothing about mistakes (like the time you made one mistake in a day and said, “I thought I was doing well but I guess I wasn’t” – when in fact you were doing well. One mistake never indicates that you’re not doing well; it indicates that you’re human!) and this seems to be another example of that.  I wonder about the psychological impact of telling yourself you’re in a deep rut and if doing so may make it harder to get back on track, because it may convince you that you’re more deeply rooted in the mistakes than you actually are.  Telling yourself, “I’m off track, but it’s only one day, it’s not the end of the world,” may make it easier to get back on track than when you say, “I’m in a deep rut.”  What do you think about that?

 As you see here, what dieters say to themselves can make a really big difference, particularly where mistakes are concerned.  If a dieter makes a mistake and says to herself, “This is so terrible! I can’t believe I did that, I’ve really screwed up,” she may have a hard time getting herself right back on track.  By contrast, if a dieter makes a mistake but this time says to herself, “Ok, I made a mistake. I’m human, it happens, and it’s not the end of the world. The rest of the day will be fine,” then she’ll probably have a much, much easier time getting back on track.  In the situation with Rachel, my concern was that by telling herself she was in a “deep rut,” it may make it harder to get back on track because getting out of a deep rut likely seems so much harder than just needing to bounce back from one off-track day.